If Looks Could Kill You Would Be An Uzi
by Redonkgirl99
Summary: From the writer that abandoned three stories before finally getting her act together, comes a retelling of the most iconic movies of our generation; my movie. Deadpool! Sequel to When you're with me, baby, the skies will be blue for all my life.
Now, you all must have a million questions running through your heads right now.

Why am I being addressed by the story?

This isn't going to go through the _whole_ movie is it?

Who's talking?

For your first question, you aren't being addressed by the story, well, you are, but that story is me.

For question número two, no, it _won't_ go through the entire movie; we all know what you're here for and it ain't going through an exhaustive biopic of my sexy ass and penis face. You're here to imagine yourself getting dick from Peter Maximoff. Not judging, I've imagined myself touching naughty bits with many an X-Man. But, I'm afraid you're in for some disappointment; this isn't a romance or a smut. This is family story.

And for the last question, that's easy; I'm talking.

Deadpool!

.

Let's start in the now; some Nicholas Hoult looking motherfucker went and kidnapped my girl after making me look like an old man that fucked a raisin burn victim.

But, to get her back I need help.

I'll need to gather the X-Men and-.

No X-Men?

Well, fine, I need to assemble the-.

Also no?

Well, Jesus Christ, who _can_ help me?

Colossus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead.

The cheapest X-Man and someone we've never seen before.

Great.

But, we wouldn't be here if that was all.

Because it's time to make this a fanfic.

.

"Now, if I take you two somewhere, are you gonna be chill?"

"Chill?" Negasonic Te-, for fucks sake, NTW asked.

" _Chill."_

NTW held her hands up in a sarcastic surrender.

"Metal head?" Wade asked.

"Chill."

"Damn Straight."

We started walking and-

Just scene cut, it's easier.

.

I lead NTW and C-.

You know what?

I'm bored of this.

I'm handing the reins over; I'll be back at the end.

Deadpool led NTW and Colossus through a shady alleyway, before leading them down to a door a teenager was leaning against.

"Names?" He asked, not seeming to even notice that one of the group was in all red leather and another one was completely made of metal.

"Wade Wilson."

The teenager scrolled through his phone before stopping.

"You're good. You two?"

"They haven't been here before," Wade offered.

"Alright, still need your names."

"Piotr Rasputin."

NTW shifted uncomfortably for a moment before whispering her name.

"Ellie Phimister."

" _Ellie?_ Your real name is _Ellie?!"_ Wade demanded before bursting into laughter "You're all tough and your real name is fucking _Ellie?"_

The teenager shifted uncomfortably as NTW glared at Wade.

"I need to scan you two," He said, pulling out a device that made NTW and Colossus sneer.

"Mutation detector?" Colossus asked.

"It's cool," Wade said "Not going to butcher you for parts."

NTW sighed and held her arm out, the kid scanning her before nodding.

"You're good." Then he turned to Colossus, studied him for a moment, and then spoke "So are you."

The teen opened the door and the three mutants headed down the stairs, where loud music and yelling was emanating from.

And then they entered the room.

The yelling was coming from the many people, mostly teenagers but some adults, who were all squashed into the room; the only open space was in the middle of the room; were two people were fighting.

"What is this place?" Colossus demanded.

"Still haven't caught on yet?" Wade asked.

One the fighters suddenly punched the other, but his hand went right through her. Then she moved and hit him in the side of the head; knocking him out.

"Mutants _fighting?"_ Colossus demanded, sounding outraged.

"Oh, calm down, Andre the Ingot; they do it on their own free will," Wade said, moving around the people who were collecting their money and up to the bar.

"What can I get ya?" The bartender asked.

"I'm looking for Naomi Parker."

"Hoping to bet on her? Tough luck; no one wants to fight her."

"Why not?" NTW asked.

"Well, she's undefeated. The only person that could beat her won't fight her because they're too busy fucking in the backroom."

"Would that happen to be where she is?" Wade asked.

"Yeah, c'mon," The bartender said, leading them to a door in the back, away from the crowd. He banged on the door.

"What?" Someone called from inside, obviously annoyed.

"Someone's here to see you!"

"Well, tell them to go fuck themselves!"

"I've tried, didn't really work!" Wade called, it silent for a moment.

" _Fuck!"_

There was a commotion and the door was opened to reveal a young blonde girl who was zipping up, giving Deadpool an annoyed question.

"What ya want?" She asked.

"I need your help."

She shot a look back at the other person in the room; a silver haired man about her age who was in the same amount of disarray she was in and was sitting on the old couch where their _activities_ had almost certainly taken place.

"Kicking me out?" He asked teasingly.

"C'mon, Peter," she replied, Peter suddenly appearing beside her.

He leaned down and whispered in her ear (something undoubtedly explicit) before kissing her forehead, nodding at the three mutants, and disappearing.

"He seems nice."

"What do you need my help with?" She asked, letting them into the back room before plopping down on the couch. Deadpool took a folding chair while the X-Men chose to stand.

"My girlfriend, Vanessa, was kidnapped by the same douche-nozzle who tried to make me into his super sub."

"Why do you need my help; you've got…" She looked over at Colossus and was quiet for a moment "I'm trying to think of something clever, but since you all interrupted us I'm too horny to think of anything."

"It happens to the best of us," Deadpool assured.

"Deadpool, who is this girl?" Colossus suddenly demanded.

"Oh, didn't I mention? This is Naomi Parker. This is my daughter."

.

Okay, real quick interjection here.

I'm sure you're all wondering "How can Naomi be in this if she was born in the 70s?" and "She met you when you were already Deadpool, how can she be a part of your origin story?"

But, you all need to realize you've bought into her being a mob boss, a boy, and a demon's girlfriend (those last two on multiple occasions!).

So, please direct any timeline crap directly to the trash because, frankly, I don't give a flying fuck.

My daughter was born in 1998 and when she was born, she was named the ugliest fucking name on the face of the planet. But, they ended up calling her Naomi, so everything's fine and dandy.

I decided to stay out of my babygirl's life; she'd have a normal childhood filled with dolls and Sega Genesis or whatever the fuck kids play with now.

But, the universe has a way of fucking people over, and my plan to leave Naomi alone didn't quite work out.

.

This was some underground shit Wade wasn't expecting to get wrapped up in.

 _Mutants_ had hired him.

There was some anti-mutant asshats that were trying to ruin their good time, so they hired a non-mutant to take care of it; they figured it wouldn't screw up mutant's reps anymore if it was traced to a human.

Wade didn't mind; the money was good.

It was a quick job, just a threat and some picture proof and he was ready to head back to their base.

It was a pretty awesome place, Wade had to admit; especially when they invited him to stay with free drinks. Wade was never one to pass that up.

"You betting?" One of the guys at the bar asked.

"Nah," Wade said "Interested to see how mutants throw down, though."

"You came on a good night; undefeated champion going against this dude that's been kicking ass for the last two months."

"Who'd you bet on?"

The kid snorted.

"Puh-lease; this new guy is going to get his ass handed to him."

Wade watched with as a big, hulking guy entered their makeshift ring.

"That the champion?"

The guy next to him snorted.

"Nope; she is."

Wade could tell by the kid's voice he had a bit of a thing for the young woman entering the ring. She was tall with blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail; her clothing tight and obviously strictly practical for the fight. She wasn't particularly _built_ or anything; she seemed pretty normal.

But, there was something about her…

She seemed _familiar._

Before he could turn to his bar buddy and ask who she was, someone in the crowd yelled.

 _"Kick his ass, Naomi!"_

Holy shit.

Before Wade could articulate what he was thinking; a referee jumped into the ring and started pumping up the crowd.

And then the fight started.

For a moment Wade was gripped with a fear that this girl was about to get seriously hurt; she was a _lot_ smaller than her opponent.

And then she disappeared.

"What the-."

The kid at the bar chuckled slightly.

Wade watched with wide eyes as the big guy seemed to be beat up by nothing; wincing when he got hit in the balls.

It took less than five minutes.

The ref announced Naomi as the winner; the girl hardly looking ruffled. The crowd dispersed slightly, all moving to the area opposite of the bar to get their winnings.

Naomi hopped down off the ring, saying hi to a few people before taking a seat at the bar. The bartender passed her a drink which she downed before taking the second one he offered.

"Who are you?"

Wade pointed to himself in surprise, Naomi nodding.

"Wade Wilson."

"You're that merc they hired, right?"

"Sure am," Wade said, trying to hide his emotions.

"Oh, wait, hold on." Naomi took a drink from the bartender and handed it to her opponent, who'd plopped down beside her "Good try."

The guy downed it and then gave her a nod before walking away.

"Anyway; you get them to get off our backs?" Naomi asked.

"And got them to wear tutus," Wade said, pulling out the photos and showing them to Naomi, who laughed.

"Oh my god, these are amazing," Naomi said with bright eyes, looking over the group in tutus and nothing else "They're giving you free drinks, right?"

"Yeah."

"You want some coke or something?" Naomi offered "On me."

Listen, Wade was pretty fucking chill.

But, doing coke with his daughter was a level of screwed up he wasn't ready to commit too.

"Nah, not sure I'm ready to do hard drugs with underage fight club attendees."

"Oh, I'm not doing it; makes me flicker all weird," Naomi said, looking down at her hands as she seemed to remember the occurrence.

"Still."

"Whatever," she said with an easygoing shrug.

Before Wade could say something to keep the conversation going, someone else spoke.

"Cuddling with the merc, Parker?"

Naomi rolled her eyes and turned to face the three guys that were glaring at her.

"Don't be so pissy about losing your cash," Naomi said.

"Don't be so fucking smug; Maximoff is going to kick your ass."

"Then why doesn't Maximoff say that to my face?" Naomi asked "In fact, I'm not entirely sure he exists, seeing how I have never seen him."

"He exists and he's going to kick your little bitch ass."

Naomi grabbed the back of the guy's head and slammed it into the bar, Wade raising an eyebrow as she pulled his head up and a shard of one of the broken glasses levitated right next to his eye.

"Don't forget that I can kill you faster than you can blink."

Naomi threw him down to the side; the guy scrambling away with his two friends hauling him away.

Naomi looked over at Wade; challenging him to say anything.

Wade reached into his pocket and pulled out a Dora the Explorer greeting card with his number scribbled onto it.

"If you ever need a merc, which I doubt, feel free to call me."

Naomi took it with a small smile.

"Thanks man."

.

Wade didn't hear anything from her for a month; honestly, he didn't expect to ever hear anything from her. She was a smart girl who seemed to be able to take care of herself.

But, he couldn't get her out of his mind.

That beautiful, smart, capable young woman was his _daughter._

He'd help create her.

Not a _lot;_ he'd helped create her like how Stan Lee helped create Marvel comics. Only a bit, but he was going to take all of the credit.

But then, something happened he wasn't expecting.

She called.

.

"You've reached the phone of a hot ass squeezed into three sizes too small Harley Quinn underoos, what can I help you with?"

"It's Naomi Parker, from a couple weeks ago."

"Yeah, I remember, what's up?" Wade asked, frowning at her voice; she was upset.

"I want to hire you."

.

"You know, when you said we should meet, I was expecting something a bit more… clandestine."

"I wanted a Frappuccino," Wade replied, sitting across from Naomi at a Starbucks "What's up; why do you want to hire me?"

"I'm trying to become an emancipated teen, but my dad is a judge and he's making sure that I can't file a petition. I need you to make it so I can."

Wade wanted to help.

But, he wanted to make sure this was the best idea.

"Can you support yourself?" Wade asked.

"Are you worried about me?" Naomi countered, Wade holding his hands up in surrender.

"Just making sure that if your petition gets to judge, they'll emancipate you."

"I make enough money from betting on myself and I work as a waitress to cover my tracks," Naomi said "Um, speaking of which; I can totally pay you. That's not a problem."

"No need," Wade said, Naomi frowning.

"What-?"

"Consider this my yearly act of charity," Wade cut her off "Tell me about your dad."

.

"Sir, you have someone here to see you."

"Send them in," Mr. Parker said.

Anthony Parker looked up to a man in a brown coat jauntily entering his office.

"Anthony Parker?" He asked hopefully.

"Yes, what can I help you with?"

He pulled out a large packet with a smile.

 **DISTRICT OF COLOMBIA.**

 **PETITION FOR EMANCIPATION.**

"Not this absurdity again," Mr. Parker sighed, rubbing his face.

"Yeah, this absurdity again," Wade said.

"Tell Naomi that it's not going through," Mr. Parker said.

"Actually it is," Wade said "Wanna know why?"

"Why?" Mr. Parker asked, rolling his eyes.

Wade grabbed Mr. Parker's head and slammed it down onto the desk; when Mr. Parker was able to get his bearings again, he had a gun against his head.

"Because, I'm not a lawyer."

Wade plopped down in one of the chairs across from Mr. Parker, still aiming the gun.

"Don't try calling for your secretary; she left right after I came in. She's headed on a Viking River Cruise, which is good because she seemed a little overworked."

"Naomi hired you?" Mr. Parker demanded.

"Yep, and she's not exactly made of money, so this obviously important to her."

"This completely ridiculous, I-."

"You hit her, don't you?"

Wade smiled without humor at the silence that followed that question.

"Thought so; my old man used to hit me. I could see it in her eyes."

Mr. Parker sighed hard.

"It was only ever as a disciplinary measure; Naomi isn't a good kid-."

"No, she isn't; she's a _great_ kid. And she doesn't deserve what you've been doing to her. So, those papers are going to go through or everyone will know that back in 1998 your wife fucked and subsequently got pregnant by a merc."

"How do you…?"

Wade held his arms up and smiled.

"Guilty."

.

Wade knocked on the door; Naomi answering it after a moment.

"Nice place," he said, pulling out some pictures of Mr. Parker holding signs saying he was sorry and that he'd let the papers through.

When it was silent, Wade frowned.

"Okay, I'm going to go…"

"Are you my dad?"

Wade froze as Naomi looked up with wide eyes.

"How-?"

"I followed you to my dad's office; I was wondering why you were working for free," Naomi explained.

It was quiet for a moment before Wade nodded, Naomi releasing a breath she'd been holding in.

"Okay," she said quietly.

"I'll stay away," Wade promised, Naomi looking up in surprise "Don't worry; you won't see me again."

"Don't," Naomi replied, Wade's eyes widening slightly.

"Naomi, I'm not a good man; I've killed people."

"And I haven't?"

.

"He was going to kill me."

Wade nodded slowly; they were sat in Naomi's apartment now. Wade was in the chair while Naomi was sat on the couch.

"Some anti-mutant guy from my parent's social circle; must've suspected me for a while. Followed me one night when I was heading to a fight. It happened really fast, but it ended with him with a knife in his neck."

"The body?" Wade asked.

"This guy showed up, but it was cool; he was a mutant and recognized the guy from a Church of Humanity meeting he'd spied on. He helped me get rid of it."

"And he won't tell?"

"No, I trust him; Peter won't tell."

.

"You're _daughter?"_ Colossus demanded.

"Oh, are we back? Finally. Yes, she's my daughter," Wade said.

"At least she doesn't have your looks." Wade sent a dirty look over at NTW, but before he could say anything, Naomi cut in.

"Who're you?"

"Negasonic Teenage Warhead."

"Can I call you Warhead?" Naomi asked.

"Sure."

"How about Sexy?"

Warhead actually seemed thrown for a second, Naomi smirking and winking before turning back to Wade.

"As I was saying; why do you need my help? I'm sure you can handle some bullets in heads."

"I _can_ handle that, but I need your help fighting the mutants and making sure said douche canoe doesn't die."

"Why not?" Naomi asked.

"I need him to fix my face."

"It would be much easier to just kill him, besides your face can't be _that-."_

Wade lifted his mask.

"Haha, okay, Jesus Christ, _wow_ , yep; keep him alive."

.

"Oh, this is great; this is comfortable," Naomi said.

"It must be so awful for you," Warhead said, sandwiched between Naomi and Colossus in the back of a taxi.

"Touché."

.

"Why're we walking like this?" Naomi asked.

"Dramatic effect."

Naomi shrugged and they continued to walk towards were Ajax was waiting.

"Hey, where's your duffle bag?" Warhead asked.

"Shit!"

.

The three mutants waited as Wade called Dopinder, but he didn't pick up.

"The old fashioned way, then?" Naomi asked.

"Seems so. Cue the music."

And they began walking again.

"What the fuck even is this thing?" Naomi asked, looking up.

"Prime real estate for end fights," Wade said.

Angel Dust moved from her spot on the top of the thing and Wade leaned and tapped Warhead a few times.

"Superhero landing. She's going to do the superhero landing."

Angel Dust jumped and landed.

"Woo! Superhero landing! Really tough on the knees."

Angel Dust began advancing on them.

"You're way too much man for me. That's why I brought him!" Wade said, Colossus beginning to walk towards Angel Dust.

"Please don't; I prefer not to fight a wom-."

Angel decked him, sending him flying.

"I mean, that's why I brought her?"

Both Wade and Naomi looked over at Warhead, who was tapping on her phone with one finger up in the air.

"No, finish your tweet. Just give us a second," Wade said, Warhead throwing her phone away.

"Go get 'em, Tiger," Naomi said.

Warhead ran forward, beginning to burn and turn into a sphere of fire; knocking Angel Dust back.

"Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex."

"Did you really think it would be that easy?" Angel Dust spat, a few people wearing collars coming out from behind a shipping container.

"I was wondering where this would change; this fight would be way too easy with Naomi," Wade said, observing the mutants.

"I got them," Naomi said.

"WADE!"

The group looked up at where Ajax was standing.

"WHAT'S MY NAME?!"

"Oh, I'll spell it out for ya."

.

As Wade dealt with the normal soldiers and Warhead and Colossus dealt with Angel Dust, Naomi focused on the three mutants.

"Listen, you're being controlled; try to break it," Naomi said, approaching them with her hands up.

One of them threw a fireball at her, which she barely dodged.

"Okay then."

And then she disappeared.

The three mutants went back to back; looking for Naomi nervously.

Then one of them was tackled to the ground.

Naomi looked over the collar; trying to figure out what type it was. Before the other mutants could get her, she ran a little bit away; swearing to herself. The brand of collar would electrocute the mutant if someone tried to remove it.

She'd need to disable them.

Naomi ran back to where the fight had started, making sure everyone was okay, and grabbed the phone Warhead had discarded. Then she grabbed some of the wires by a shipping container. She began to assemble something with those items before returning to where the three mutants were.

She crept up to one before putting the wires on either side of the collar; the mutant falling to the ground, but still breathing as she tore the collar off.

One of the mutants grabbed her from behind; Naomi struggling before reaching behind herself and electrocuting them. When she fell to the ground, Naomi removed her collar before turning on the last one.

"Will you just let me remove it?" Naomi asked hopefully. When the mutant didn't respond, Naomi sighed before turning invisible and easily removing the collar.

Naomi sighed, looking at the three unconsciousness mutants around her before nodding slightly.

"Alright, time to move."

Naomi grabbed one and began dragging them away, huffing as she did.

"How am I _still_ so scrawny?"

.

Once Naomi managed to get the mutants far away from the fight, she made it back just in time to see Wade be _launched_ into the sky by Warhead.

"God _dayum."_

.

Angel Dust and Colossus were still fighting, Naomi trying to find a good opening to sneak in and take out the woman. But, before she could, Warhead decided to intervene.

"Shit!"

Naomi began to run away as a giant explosion erupted; completely decimating the entire area. Wade having to slide off the top of the structure with Vanessa; Vanessa locked inside of the machine that made Wade into Deadpool.

Naomi had been in the process of running _away_ from the explosions, but her eyes caught on Vanessa falling inside of that thing and her damn bleeding heart came out.

Naomi caught it midair and gently lowered it with her powers; Vanessa tumbling out of it. But, instead of being crushed by the debris, a dome of glass began to form around them; the cocoon protecting them as it replaced glass as soon as it was broken.

.

Finally the debris stopped falling and it was quiet for a moment before Vanessa looked over; the girl that had saved her was unconsciousness.

"Hey, Kid, are you alright?" Vanessa asked, paying no heed to the fact they might be trapped "Hey."

Vanessa reached to shake her, but before she could, the debris over their glass dome was lifted off to reveal two other people; the metal one picked up the glass and Vanessa looked at them with wide eyes.

"Is she okay?"

"She must've overstrained herself," Metal Russian man said "It happens; try waking her."

Vanessa gently shook her, the young blonde girl blinking awake before groaning.

"Never again."

.

"Wade! Four or five moments."

"Sorry?" Wade asked, his gun under Francis's chin.

"Four or five moments - that's all it takes to become a hero. Everyone thinks it's a full-time job. Wake up a hero. Brush your teeth a hero. Go to work a hero. Not true. Over a lifetime there are only four or five moments that really matter. Moments when you're offered a choice to make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend - spare an enemy. In these moments everything else falls away-."

The shot cause Colossus to double over and vomit.

"Really? In front of _Naomi?"_

Naomi looked up from her phone from where she was sitting on a piece of elevated debris.

"Sorry, what? Someone say my name?"

.

"After a brief adjustment period and a bunch of drinks, it's a face… I'd be happy to sit on."

"Well, I'm gonna leave before I need to go on Dr. Phil."

Wade and Vanessa looked over at Naomi, who'd hopped down from the wreckage and was fiddling with her phone.

"Don't leave yet," Wade said, motioning over and facing Vanessa "So, since today is the day of realizations and I doubt you could get much madder at me, I would like to introduce you to Naomi; my daughter."

"Hi," Naomi said with a little, awkward wave.

"… Your Wade's….?" Vanessa looked at her with wide eyes.

"Yeah…" Naomi said uncomfortably,it was quiet for a moment "Um, don't worry about my mom; she's married and you're _way_ hotter than her."

Vanessa laughed slightly before gently placing her hand on Naomi's back and steering her away from Wade; the merc looking slightly lost.

"So, how old are you?"

"Seventeen."

"Not to be rude, but how come I haven't heard about you before?" Vanessa asked.

"Well, it's not like I knew he was my dad up until a year ago."

"How'd you find out?" Vanessa asked.

"Oh, I hired Wade to get my step dad to let my emancipation papers through after meeting him in an underground mutant fight club."

Vanessa blinked slowly.

"That seems about right. You're emancipated?"

"Yep."

"And you can support yourself, right?" Vanessa asked, slightly worried.

"I work as a waitress and I also make money from said fight club."

"You live somewhere safe?"

"Her apartment is nicer than ours," Wade said, obviously trying to break into the conversation.

"Okay, good," Vanessa said with a smile.

"Yeah… Um, I'll get going," Naomi said with a small smile.

"You don't have to," Vanessa said "You can come with us for a little while."

"But, like, don't you and Wade want to… fuck?" Naomi asked, Vanessa smiling at how on the nose she was.

"I think first I'd like to get to know the daughter of the man I love. The _same_ girl who ran directly into an explosion and overstrained herself to protect me."

"Really?" Naomi asked, legitimately surprised "I kind of figured you'd hate me."

"Why would I hate you?" Vanessa asked, confused.

Naomi shrugged.

"Most adults do."

"Naomi," Vanessa placed her hands on Naomi's shoulders and looked her in the eyes "I don't hate you."

Naomi looked away awkwardly.

"Thanks, I guess," she mumbled, wringing her hands.

"Anyway," Wade said, wrapping his arm around Naomi's shoulders "I'm hungry; you hungry?"

"Yeah," Naomi replied.

"Me too; I haven't had anything all day," Vanessa deadpanned, making Naomi giggle; the older woman winking at her as she wrapped her arm around Naomi's waist.

"How about Mexican?" Wade offered, the three making their way to the road.

"Sounds good!"

.

.

.

Alright, I'm back and I can see we've ended on three people building a ragtag family.

Practically the ending of a Disney movie, but like, one of the _old_ Disney movies.

Extremely sappy and cliché; ridiculous even.

And nothing could ever be more perfect.


End file.
